Ten Years Gone
Though it’s not the day that I want to most remember her by, I can’t let today go by without noting that it’s been ten years since Michelle passed.
If you didn’t know her, or maybe even if you did, you can read her obituary or the eulogy that I gave at her funeral.
Instead, I choose to remember her by her adventures, by her unbridled enthusiasm for life and fun activities, by her generosity of her time to friends and strangers alike, and by her instigation of all of those things in others. Michelle was the ultimate instigator.
I think about Michelle every day, and while I miss her very much, the thing that still hits me the hardest is the fact that the world is missing out on having her in it.
Although it caused some difficulty at first, I consider it a testamant to Michelle that I was able to move on and continue a normal life relatively soon after she passed. Amazing support from family, friends, and my employer at the time was also a huge factor in this. I always heard Michelle’s voice in my ear, telling me to get out there and to keep soaking life in. I’m also very thankful for our house family, our cat Macy and our dog Ronny, both passed now, who helped me in that transition. There were days of just lying on the floor, crying with them, mourning.
I was very involved publicly with PanCAN right after Michelle died, even meeting with my senator in DC and being interviewed on live TV. But after a couple years, I found it difficult to continue this public outreach. I was very good at it — I was a top fundraiser and was recognized on stage, and the second year, I was the head of the Oregon delegation in DC. But doing that required that I keep the wounds very fresh, that I bring Michelle to life as my wife and to emphasize the hole left behind in my life. Maybe it could be done another way, but for me, it’s what felt right in that circumstance. But I found that I couldn’t continue doing that year after year. I support efforts in my own way now, but this public chapter has long been closed for me.
I have been so incredibly lucky to have two loves in my life, Michelle and now Jessica. Some days I can’t even believe the fortune with which I have been gifted. In a sense, Michelle and I grew into adults together, and the life we led with each other put me in a place where I was much more prepared to move on when she was gone. I am somewhat conflicted in saying that, but it’s how I feel, and I am incredibly thankful. You always hear as much, but I discovered firsthand that there is no right way to mourn, or to recover, or to move on. You have to do what it takes — for you — to keep yourself from unraveling entirely when such a tragedy hits.
They say that we have two deaths, one when we die physically and the other the last time there is someone alive who remembers us. I consider it my sacred duty to keep Michelle alive for as long as I can. If you ever want to talk, or to share — reach out. I am always here, remembering.
Changes fill my time, baby, that’s all right with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to beLed Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone